AT4W: The Star wars no.1

Memorable quotes from episode 335:


Text: "Until the recent GREAT REBELLION..."
Bow: "The Great Rebellion."
Text: "...the JEDI-BENDU were the most feared warriors in the universe."
Linkara: "Despite the fact that they were called" *makes "air quotes"* "'Jedi-Bendu'. Want to make your fearsome organization sound silly right off the bat? Add more syllables to their name."
Text: "For one hundred thousand years, generations of JEDI perfected their art as the personal bodyguards of the Emperor."
Linkara: "And every year, they were discouraged from unionizing."
Text: "They were the chief architects of the invincible IMPERIAL SPACE FORCE, which expanded the EMPIRE across the galaxy, from the celestial equator to the farthest reaches of the GREAT RIFT."
Linkara: "And yet they had the crappiest postal system in the universe."
Text: "Now these legendary warriors are all but extinct."
Linkara (as Jedi-Bendu warrior): "Damn! I knew we shouldn't have cut down Endor's forests! That's the Jedi-Bendu's natural habitat!"
Text: "One by one they have been hunted down and destroy as enemies of the NEW EMPIRE by a ferocious and sinister rival warrior sect, THE KNIGHTS OF SITH."
Linkara: "Don't you mean "Sith Godo" or something? While a spaceship flies into view, as you do in Star Wars, we cut to the "Fourth Moon of Utapau". There, a family is living in a fairly desolate environment in what appears to be a crashed spaceship and some makeshift shelters. A boy runs inside and informs his father that..."
Boy: "They've found us!"
Linkara: "However, the father is too busy whipping his son with his belt... I'm not even kidding; look at this... and tells said son, Deak, to continue concentrating on the problem. The problem seems to be a Rubik's Cube. Man, Jedi training is hard."
Father: "Annikin, how many?"
Linkara: "Yep, the older son is named Annikin. And yet, strangely, he's still on a planet with lots of sand."
Annikin: "Only one this time, Dad. A Banta four."
Father: "Good. They must think this knight is something special. We may not have to repair that old bucket after all. Prepare yourself."
Linkara (as father): "Let's open up the sweet corn stand and make us some money."
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Linkara: "They burn Deak's body and take the Sith ship."
Father: "Son, pilot a course for Aquilae."
Annikin: "We're going home?"
Father: "We both need a rest."
Linkara (as father): "We both need a vacation. Set a course for the Atlantic City planet."
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Linkara: "Anyway, the speech is about their new campaign."
Emperor: "We must conquer the Aquilean System--last refuge of the outlawed and vile sect of the Jedi!"
Linkara (as one spectator): "Boo! You're not funny!"
Linkara (as another spectator): "Bring out Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes!"
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Linkara: "As everyone celebrates the announcement of the annexing of the territory, including proto-Stormtroopers in the crowd that actually resemble some alternate Halo armor, one person walks away, and we soon find him at a bar. His name is Whitsun, which I'm sure is supposed to be pronounced 'WHITE-sun'. BECAUSE POOR LITERACY... IS THE WILL OF THE FORCE."
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Linkara: "Anyway, the Governor is celebrating the coming conquest and how much power it will gain them, but the talking pile of lard says he shouldn't be so confident."
Vantos: "Don't underestimate the armies of Aquilae. They are led by a Jedi."
Linkara (as Vantos): "You know them, their stats are always far too up. Someone should really Nerf them."
Linkara: "Darth Vader doesn't believe the Jedi still exist."
Gov. Hodak: "General, I've told you about our Supreme Tribunal member Vantos Coll. He worries a lot about legends and myths."
Linkara (as Hodak): "I mean, he actually believes in the Helix Fossil. Weirdo."
Vantos: "General Skywalker is no myth. When I first arrived at court, he was first bodyguard to the Emperor! It was he who led the Jedi Rebellion."
Darth Vader: "Seig Darklighter led the Rebellion."
Vantos: "So the Emperor would have you believe. But I was there."
Linkara (as Vantos): "I was there, Lord Vader. I was there when the courage of Jedi failed."
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Linkara: "And indeed, we cut to the farewell of Princess Leia, who's still sporting the bun hair in this version. She's going off to college... ...which probably explains how a princess suddenly hooks up with a rebellion... ...and everybody wishes her well."
King: "The semester will be over before you know it. You'll have a grand time, Leia. There are so many new things to learn--"
Linkara (as King): "Like those new holographic cell phones. How do you kids keep up with all this technology these days?"
King: "--I wish I were going."
Linkara (as King): "But my entire fraternity was expelled after we turned that astro mech droid into a beer keg."
King: "May the Force of others be with you all."
Linkara: "When you say it like that, doesn't that just mean" *makes an "air quote"* "'May you possess other people's guns'? We cut to the Aquilae war room where General Skywalker is trying to figure out if the Empire is going to attack soon."
Skywalker: "I don't know... it doesn't feel good."
Linkara (as Skywalker): "I've got a feeling about this, but I don't know if it's a bad one yet."
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Linkara: "Luke wonders why Kane doesn't just finish the training himself, since he was always a superior Jedi."
Kane: "I'm too old, Luke. I can't go on... You must finish it."
Linkara (as Luke): "But I'm old, too. Look how white my hair and beard are."
Linkara (as Kane): "For crying out loud, Luke, you bleached your hair for a cosplay and didn't realize the material was permanent!"
Luke: "What kind of talk is this? That's not the Starkiller I remember!"
Kane: *slamming his fist on the glass table* "I'm not the same Starkiller!"
Linkara (as Kane): "I'm much more restrained and composed!"
Linkara: "However, punching his arm in the glass table has caused it to... uh, explode. Kane tears off part of his shirt to reveal that he is in fact a cyborg."